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Tuesday, July 14th, 2009
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1:04 am
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For a while I've been somewhat aware of some of my issues. I lumped a bunch of them broadly under "control issues"; that I didn't know how to relax, be spontaneous, stop thinking so much about everything and just talk more.
Now, I've recently started looking specifically for ways to try and attack this issue, and I know those issues are present and relevant; being completely uncontrolled and powerless is one of the few things that specifically scares me. But I've started to realize that some of my issues that I'm affixing to that problem have another origin entirely.
I am completely embarrassed to make any kind of self-expression. Singing, dancing, letting others read my writing, see anything I draw, reacting to things with relevant and noticeable enthusiasm... to the point where I even feel embarrassed dancing in a locked, windowless room. I get terribly anxious about any kind of criticism of my expressions, I am preoccupied with expecting unilaterally negative responses to any of it, and so cut it off, hide it, and only bring it out halfway when I can shroud it in antipathy, to establish for myself disregard for the opinions of others by devaluing to myself as extremely as I can establish anyone who might criticize me. I suspect this goes all the way back to being a shy oblivious sheltered elementary schooler; with no friends, regularly made fun of, and utterly unable to understand the jokes at my expense. And so now I refrain from giving strangers anything I could care about which I could potentially be made fun of for. I hide most of myself from any kind of group, automatically, subconsciously.
I think this is going to be somewhat more complicated to do something about than the control issues.
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| Tuesday, June 16th, 2009
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7:57 pm - American Gods
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| Thursday, May 21st, 2009
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6:21 pm - Scientific study...
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| Friday, May 1st, 2009
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3:43 pm
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YAY. I have health insurance, at least for now, and will have allergy meds, so I will be able to breathe this month! I was concerned for a bit there...
current mood:  relieved
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Friday, February 6th, 2009
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12:05 am - Poem meme
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When you see this, post your favorite poem in your journal.
`Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.
"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!"
He took his vorpal sword in hand:
Long time the manxome foe he sought --
So rested he by the Tumtum tree,
And stood awhile in thought.
And, as in uffish thought he stood,
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
And burbled as it came!
One, two! One, two! And through and through
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went galumphing back.
"And, has thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!'
He chortled in his joy.
`Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.
-Lewis Carroll
Chosen because I don't know a hell of a lot of poetry, but have yet to care to memorize any other. Course, I haven't actually memorized this, but I one point I cared to, which still puts it in the lead.
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(comment on this)
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| Friday, January 16th, 2009
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11:58 am - Amusing dreams
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I'm losing memory of it quickly, but I was trying to assassinate the king, or something, and I, and the two people working with me failed, so then we were trying to catch and stop the other person in the palace trying to assassinate the king, so we could prevent them from being caught now that we'd screwed up and tipped off the guards.
Random bits include the fact that apparently I'd met the other assassin at Lafeyette for some reason, I cast Dimension Door from a scroll to escape (whereupon time was frozen until I ran through the whole palace to the place where I'd targeted the spell, and resumed when I arrived), and Obama made a random cameo appearance, standing on the porch of the palace while I was running by.
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(comment on this)
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| Friday, December 26th, 2008
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4:03 pm - Christmas presents
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| Sunday, November 23rd, 2008
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2:30 am - D&D Thing
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| Tuesday, October 14th, 2008
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2:23 pm - Quiz time
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| Friday, August 29th, 2008
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8:03 am - Oh bizarre dreams
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So, there was a dead transformer that I was trying to get away with, so I stole a fire department pickup and put it in the back; then I crashed it in a lake. The water killed my cell phone, so I was stuck with the driver of the pick-up's but for some reason it couldn't call, and could only text in tic-tac-toe and etch-a-sketch. Somehow I walked from there to a house where Beth's parents lived, though it wasn't their house, and they helped me. I went out to check on the wreck and found my wallet and laptop by the side of the road; my laptop was fine, and my wallet still had cash in it, but was missing my driver's license and credit/debit cards.
wtf.
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, July 30th, 2008
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8:57 pm
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Zombie Music Meme
Stolen from vayhedruvon
1. Take out your iPod, or your mp3 playing device. Put it on shuffle play.
2. You have to decide if each song is a positive one in terms of survival (songs like Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive" or anything that directly references survival, escape or something like that counts double, even something by Survivor, but I reserve the right to laugh at you), or a negative one in terms of survival (Songs by the Zombies, White Zombie, Rob Zombie, about zombies or death or whatnot count double); if you really can't judge the song, just take it as a pass and it does nothing either way for your chances for survival—remember this is entirely up to you to judge.
3. Keep going until you get five songs one way or the other. Five surviving songs means you lived. Five not-surviving songs means you food.
( Zombie attack )
Well, I guess that settles it. Zombies 5, me 2, I get eaten.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Monday, July 14th, 2008
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1:17 am - Memes
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| Wednesday, May 28th, 2008
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12:17 am - Cuteness
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| Thursday, April 17th, 2008
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9:11 pm
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My Personality
| | Neuroticism | | Extraversion | | Openness to Experience | | Agreeableness | | Conscientiousness | |
| You are a calm person who is considered almost fearless by some, however you tend to lack energy and have difficult initiating activities. You tend not to talk much and prefer to let others control the activities of groups. You are reasonably interested in the arts but are not totally absorbed by them. you are mostly a compassionate person, however you prefer to make objective judgments when possible. You have a strong sense of duty and obligation, and feel a moral obligation to do the right thing.
| Take a Personality Test now or view the full Personality Report.
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(comment on this)
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9:01 am - Housing
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| Saturday, February 16th, 2008
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2:19 pm - You know...
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Its my 1 year anniversary. And I've pretty much been spending it curled up naked watching Firefly.
Probably not a bad sign.
current mood:  amused
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, January 22nd, 2008
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6:46 pm - Florida, Day 3
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More WiMAX fun. Including a brief discussion on tapping VoIP lines.
Then we went to the beach in the rain.
My co-worker, Roy, has rather dissimilar tastes in vacation as myself. So he spurred us on to try and beat the rain and the dark so he could go for a run along the beach. Then he was feeling wet and cold and wanted to go back. Meanwhile, I was happily drenched and building sand-castles.
I would happily have stayed there, digging in the wet sand for a few more hours. Much more fun in twilight than oppressive sun. And wouldn't want it warmer.\
Oh well. Now to wash a layer of sand off my legs.
EDIT 11:35: Finished second book, bringing me up to 900 pages devoured.
current mood: Wet and covered in sand.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Monday, January 21st, 2008
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5:32 pm - Florida, Day 2
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72 degrees. Supposed to rain soon.
Today we took 8 hours to get through a 22 page presentation. There were about 6 breaks, including free lunch, and probably hundreds of questions. It was fairly enjoyable.
The other trainees are mostly older males. There's 14 of us I think, of which I think 5 are under 30, and I'm one of them. Most of them seem really intelligent and experienced. No girls. And the guy running the training is amusing and British.
Not much more reading yet, so I probably won't finish another quarter of my reading today. Maybe it actually will last me through the week.
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(comment on this)
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| Sunday, January 20th, 2008
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7:23 pm - Florida, Day 1
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In Boca Raton from Sunday to Friday for a training thing for work. Learning how to set up, manage, configure, etc the wimax radios we're deploying on our airships.
Up at 7, car at 8, airport at 9, plane 10-1. Airport stuff for a bit, then tooking the exceptionally scenic route from airport to Boca. Hotel at 3, back along the scenic route to lunch at 3:30. Lunch became dinner; by the time we managed to find parking, and eat, and such it was 6, and then indulging more touristyness, then back to the hotel.
I brought 2000 pages of fiction with me. Thanks to all the transit, I'm through about 450 of it. and the night is still young.
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, December 25th, 2007
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9:46 pm - Hopliday Swag!
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What I got for xmas:
-Set of good kitchen knives, plus an extra honer, and a sharpening kit. I could now make my swords battle-ready if I so chose. (though it might take a while, and they'd probably break too easily)
-2 plush dragons (one Chinese and one adorable small blue Western)
-3 lighters (need something to light candles, and my mother couldn't find any packaged individually)
-4 music CDs (one 69 Eyes, two Muse, amd one Zeromancer)
-a neck heat pad thingy
-3 novels (2 Stephen R. Donaldson, 1 David Farland)
-a Tea Party poster
-a painting (by my deceased great-grandfather)
-a wooden dragon
-3 small boxes of legos
-external speakers for my ipod
-dragon hanging lights
-a best buy gift card
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